We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
