david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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