i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
