if only i could text you this smell
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
