well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
