Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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