I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
