So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
