Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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