If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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