i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
