Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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