It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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