I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
