dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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