I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
