somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
