A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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