Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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