dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
