the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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