I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
