My sheets look like a crime scene.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
