while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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