if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
