he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
