Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
