why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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