Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
