Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
