I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
