i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
