I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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