my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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