Got a toothbrush?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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