Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
