Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Text me some of your sweat
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
