i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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