I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
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i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
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I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I would ride that face into the sunset
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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