I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
