Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
