Where did you get a picture of my penis
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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