Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
