i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
