Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
