need another drink. this is the easiest way
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
