there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
