So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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