what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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