Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
