man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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