if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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