do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
