I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
