BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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