It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
