Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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