it was like his penis was on wheels.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
