She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
