I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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